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What should have been a two to two and a half hour drive across California was turned into a four to five hour hour drive thanks to all of the three day weekend traffic, so we got out the paper map and went off the grid. Rather than frustration and bumper views, we were able to be more mindful with open roads and farmland views. Time was passed with thoughtful conversation, guesses of what kind of crop we were passing and the awe-inspiring sight of about 100 white egrets in a rice field. On the drive home, we passed through hills covered in windmills and decided to stop to hear the sound of the giant blades. I was overwhelmed by the peacefulness in the moment, just the two of us, the whop whop whop of the windmills, and a drove of sheep hustling home for dinner. The moment was made even more awe-inspiring by the shadows and colors created by the sunset.
At high school graduation, I was one of the students who gave a speech, mine was titled “Stop and Smell the Roses.” It was given in the hopes of reminding my peers on the verge of adulthood to hold onto that youthful ability of enjoying the the present, using an old cliche’ to speak to my peers about enjoying their lives to come. Ironically, my life has quickly passed me by, at times being so busy that I only slept and worked. Perhaps my message to my classmates was more intended for myself. Over the last year, I have finally grown enough to value myself and my life, not letting work, which I do love, dominate every moment. I value myself and my life enough now to get completely absorbed in each moment, whether at work, at home, alone or with loved ones. Now, I really do stop and smell the roses or stop and hear the windmills, consciously stopping, being, and appreciating life!
I started this journey of finding my heart about a year ago and started this blog about 8 months ago. I’ve discovered more about myself, discovered the value of time, and discovered love. It has been a very fruitful year. Life really is good! Time has been on my mind often this week. As a school teacher, the beginning of the school year can be quite an adjustment with time. Most years there never seems to be enough time. However this year, now that I value my time, taking time for myself and those I love, it seems I have an abundance of time. It’s a bit surreal, honestly. Now that I am taking more time for myself, I am finding that I am actually getting more done. I used to think the more time I put into work, the more I would get done, but my personal life suffered as I had very little time left to spare. Now I am thoroughly enjoying more time for myself, putting in less time for work, yet getting more done at work, more done at home and still have wonderful excess of time. I find myself doing chores and errands with ease and appreciation rather than frantic multi-tasking. All tasks at work are done with attention to detail and success. It’s almost hard to believe I spent so many years on the go, feeling productive but nothing else. Now I feel productive, successful, happy, peaceful and content.
(See February post on Time Affluence)
I spent the weekend with my two and six year old nephews. We did an awful lof of playing, tossing them onto the bed, chasing bad guys, building tents out of sheets, and taking on the playground. Nothing fills my heart more with love and joy than getting to step into their world, a world full of imagination and play, a world free to laugh and smile, whisper and scream, a world where the more wild and goofy you act, the more they love you.
I remember that world when I was young, before I created a filter to protect me from being judged. I remember building tent cities with my siblings, so many of us that we needed a city, not just one tent. We had that entire living room covered with blankets and sheets draped over stools, creating room after room for our enjoyment. We had a bank, a school, a store, bedrooms for naps, everything our young hearts thought we would need in a grown up world…and we would play for hours on end until mom got home and told us to clean up that mess, that mess that was our world for the day.
It’s interesting how creating a “tent” in a bedroom can create such an escape. My nephews and I seemed to travel thousands of miles and thousands of years away from that bedroom when we crawled into that tent; I know my siblings and I felt like pioneers colonizing the great frontier in our tent city (okay, we may have watched too much Little House on the Prairie back then). We were free to be and act however we wanted when we allowed our imaginations and our hearts’ desires to lead us.
I let my imagination and my heart be free this weekend with my nephews, most of the time. When we tackled the playground, I found myself back in the grown up world, watching over them, making sure they were safe. It’s an important role, but as I watched them run, jump, slide and swing, I found myself wishing I could do the same. My nephew called out to me to watch how high he could swing. I worried he could get hurt, and then remembered when I tried to swing so high, wind blowing my hair forward and back, using my whole body to push and pull for that extra height. I watched my nephew pushing and pulling, hair in his face and blown back, grinning ear to ear with dimples larger than life. Once it seemed he could reach no higher, he eased off, let the swing takeover, and enjoyed his victory. At that moment, I knew I needed to get on that swingset. I needed to swing, too. Brief adult worries flashed through my head: What if I’m too heavy? What if the swing breaks? What if I get hurt? (At my age, I can’t afford to get hurt; the healing process takes too long.) I tossed those worries away and carefully, slowly sat on that swing right next to my nephew. It didn’t break. One worry down. I started to swing, enough to feel the wind pushing my hair back and forth. It still didn’t break. My nephew started his climb to the sky again, challenging his aunt to go with him. The swing still didn’t break…but I just couldn’t quite free myself from the worry of getting hurt in order to participate in the swinging competition. I did what all good aunts do, I gave the win to my nephew and praised him for his astronomical success, all the while enjoying the swaying of the swing, the wind in my hair, the pride on my nephew’s face, and the chance to swing free in this adult society.
To love and to be loved, to hold and to be held, to caress and to be caressed…wait…is that my heart? I think it is actually all of me. I want to live life to its fullest, exploring new possibilities and hidden desires. I want to laugh and to cry, soaking in everything, every moment, to feel. My heart truly wants to be inspired, happy and at peace, as well as provide the same for those I love. My heart wants to smile when I wake up, laugh every day, and admire the beauty in this world. My heart wants to revel in the honest humor and adorable smiles of my kids and my nephews and nieces, absorb the unconditional love of my friends and family, and embrace my own soul and inner child. My heart wants to sit on a bench in a beautiful park on the beach and contemplate life against the backdrop of a phenomenal pink and purple sunset.
I can imagine that what my heart wants will continue to tranform, but it can only get better from here!
Findingmyheart's Blog 